the secret of real happiness

we as humans strive to know what real happiness is and how to achieve it. so where do we go to find out how to live fulfilling and joyful lives?

magazines, Oprah, dietary books and articles; yoga classes, spin classes; lengthy and elaborate vacations to wonderful places that celebrities like going to.

these are not bad things. Oprah probably has a lot of good things to say about feeling good about yourself. it's a good thing to be healthy and exercise; even better to be confident about how you look in your favorite pair of jeans. the world is a wonderful place to explore and i myself want to travel as much as i can to other countries.

but every person is different. every single individual on this earth has different talents, likes, dislikes, and destinies. some things that make one person happy won't work for another person. what saddens me is seeing so many beautiful--absolutely beautiful women--who are naturally curvy because they were created that way and they feel like they have to look like sticks to be happy because diet and exercise works for some celebrity that's starving herself. what saddens me is seeing people who try to squeeze out extra money from their budgets and refuse to eat things they enjoy every once in a while, give in, and then feel bad because it didn't work. what saddens me is seeing numerous people who work miserable desk jobs because they pay more, when they'd rather be doctors, firefighters, designers, photographers, musicians and the like. what saddens me is seeing a culture of americans who strive to be acceptable to the media's standards, and when they can't reach those standards they get depressed and wonder why they're alive. in my opinion, which i assume you want to know since you're reading this blog, happiness is so simple. and anybody can find a balance of a fulfilling  and joyful life by sticking with simple pleasures.

my ideal day off [if that will happen any time soon] would be a day at the beach with my music, a thermos of coffee, and a book. i'm most happy when i'm doing things i genuinely enjoy. i love my job as a hostess in a restaurant, i love taking classes at the college, i love sitting in the sun next to the river by myself sometimes. my life is crazy busy most of the time, don't get me wrong--i barely have time to go to the bathroom sometimes [true story] or eat [truer story]. but i've learned to love my life because of the fact that i am really LIVING my life. if i don't take time to step back and appreciate people i have, alone times, tea, coffee, and mexican food, beautiful weather, crazy teachers and helpful mentors, i get stressed. i snap. but that action of taking half an hour--just half an hour--to do something simple i enjoy until my next day off. . .that saves me a lot of sanity. yes, i take time to work out, i take time to enjoy people's company, i would like to take time to travel, i take time to look feminine and stylish; i live in this society also. sometimes i don't like my job, like right now cuz i haven't worked in about 2 months. sometimes i don't like people. sometimes i can't travel. sometimes i don't want tea, coffee, or music. life isn't perfect. but if it isn't going to be perfect, then that means i get the opportunity to find wonderful things i usually overlook. in my opinion, which this blog obviously revolves around, the secret to happiness is in simplicity. because let's face it, life is probably not simple for all of us. if your life is simple, then you'll do great when robots take over your job. but as for me, i must find enjoyment in simplicity. and i love. . .simplicity.

distorted mirrors

i've been mentally MIA--missing in action. i haven't felt like myself in over a week. i knew the main reason why, and as much as i tried to get back to "normal" i just kept becoming less and less like myself. i knew that a part of me had died. it was the joyful, peaceful, people-loving, tea-drinking, music-listening part of me. i didn't want to listen to music, i didn't want to smile.

but i tried. God i tried.

i did simple things that i enjoy to try and savor the moment, and at those times i felt peaceful. like i was almost "normal." but as soon as i was sitting in traffic or saw a mess or couldn't function properly i got so angry.

and i am not an angry person.

all i wanted to do was to punch someone in the face or sit and cry. this is not like me. and i knew it. it made me angry because of the fact that i was angry. i was afraid my old self was trying to creep up again. you know what it felt like?

it felt like i was standing in a room full of distorted mirrors and i couldn't remember [or find] the original mirror that showed me what i really looked like. there were even some that seemed close but i knew that wasn't it. i stopped praying for a couple days. i told God, "God i'm all out of ideas. i don't know what to pray anymore. i don't know what to talk about. i'm listening for you. i'm so starved. but i'm out of ideas." i sat in silence when i wasn't doing anything else. at one point my ipod died so i didn't even listen to music. i didn't charge it. i just let it be dead. like i gave up looking for that mirror.

then something changed. i still don't know how, but it did.

i prayed in my car one night crying to God. i told him i knew part of me had died and i needed him to resurrect joy and peace in my life because i was so hungry for it. i was so hungry for it. i cried hard that night. all i felt was depression. i wanted to feel light again, i wanted to genuinely enjoy my day. something needed to change. the next day i did genuinely enjoy my day. it was a pretty typical day except for a couple things, but i really enjoyed it. i enjoyed going on a run with my dog; cooking delicious soup; doing homework; drinking tea; sitting by the fire.

today was that day when i finally found the right mirror.

i finally feel like myself again. i feel joyful today. i sat in traffic and didn't get angry. i just enjoyed listening to my music. even the way i decided to dress today. . .it's so me. i hate going through dry times like i did for the past week or so, but the reward at the end of them is so great. it's worth it when i look back and see that at those times i probably wouldn't have listened anyway because my heart wasn't in the right place. everything is so much more beautiful today. that mirror makes me look better than i remember. i think God cleaned it up and shined it before i found it again. my identity is beautiful.

the dialect of music

It is in the few strokes of a piano, strums on a guitar, or beats of a drum that your soul can really begin to feel in ways that are otherwise impossible.
Music is a movement from soul to soul. It is a language never put into comprehensible words, that had to be reduced to mere notes and dots on a scale in order to be contained.
Music is a drug of sorts, or at least a substitution for drugs, where absolutely anyone can really feel.
It’s a place of freedom and release where someone is allowed to do or say anything they want.
Every person develops their own dialect of this complex language to bare their soul.
The heart begins to slow or quicken, breathing shortens or lengthens, and images play in our minds--some of which can never be described or shown.
The soul is set free in an almost delirious joy;
sodden with a romantic loss;
fiery with passion;
simply lazy as it relaxes in solace.
This is an incomprehensible language that allows even the most Hard-hearted and emotionally dry souls to really feel, or brings Wells of Emotion to tears;
it moves from soul to soul, allowing One to connect with another without simple spoken words.

of life.

    Life is too precious to waste.
Who are we to take the authority of assuming that someone would never want to live?
It isn’t our decision to make.
We cannot determine that someone would grow up miserable because of our (or someone else’s) irresponsibilities. Life is fleeting.
We look at our breath hanging in the air on a cold afternoon and it fascinates us. But after only a few seconds it disappears.
So it is with life,
but that does not mean it’s wasted.
So many decisions can be made during that time. What grieves me is how easily it can be cut short.
Life can end so quickly, but I would never want to deprive someone the chance to really live--to love, to laugh, to choose;
to experience joys of season, to kiss, to drink coffee in the company of friends;
to like or dislike things, to be touched or to touch others, to feel rain, to hear snow;
things we take for granted and may count as trivial or irrelevant.
I would never wish to deprive someone of the simple joy of breathing.
It would be better for someone to pass away doing something they truly enjoyed--really living--than to never have that chance in the first place.
That is not for us to decide over another person.