distorted mirrors

i've been mentally MIA--missing in action. i haven't felt like myself in over a week. i knew the main reason why, and as much as i tried to get back to "normal" i just kept becoming less and less like myself. i knew that a part of me had died. it was the joyful, peaceful, people-loving, tea-drinking, music-listening part of me. i didn't want to listen to music, i didn't want to smile.

but i tried. God i tried.

i did simple things that i enjoy to try and savor the moment, and at those times i felt peaceful. like i was almost "normal." but as soon as i was sitting in traffic or saw a mess or couldn't function properly i got so angry.

and i am not an angry person.

all i wanted to do was to punch someone in the face or sit and cry. this is not like me. and i knew it. it made me angry because of the fact that i was angry. i was afraid my old self was trying to creep up again. you know what it felt like?

it felt like i was standing in a room full of distorted mirrors and i couldn't remember [or find] the original mirror that showed me what i really looked like. there were even some that seemed close but i knew that wasn't it. i stopped praying for a couple days. i told God, "God i'm all out of ideas. i don't know what to pray anymore. i don't know what to talk about. i'm listening for you. i'm so starved. but i'm out of ideas." i sat in silence when i wasn't doing anything else. at one point my ipod died so i didn't even listen to music. i didn't charge it. i just let it be dead. like i gave up looking for that mirror.

then something changed. i still don't know how, but it did.

i prayed in my car one night crying to God. i told him i knew part of me had died and i needed him to resurrect joy and peace in my life because i was so hungry for it. i was so hungry for it. i cried hard that night. all i felt was depression. i wanted to feel light again, i wanted to genuinely enjoy my day. something needed to change. the next day i did genuinely enjoy my day. it was a pretty typical day except for a couple things, but i really enjoyed it. i enjoyed going on a run with my dog; cooking delicious soup; doing homework; drinking tea; sitting by the fire.

today was that day when i finally found the right mirror.

i finally feel like myself again. i feel joyful today. i sat in traffic and didn't get angry. i just enjoyed listening to my music. even the way i decided to dress today. . .it's so me. i hate going through dry times like i did for the past week or so, but the reward at the end of them is so great. it's worth it when i look back and see that at those times i probably wouldn't have listened anyway because my heart wasn't in the right place. everything is so much more beautiful today. that mirror makes me look better than i remember. i think God cleaned it up and shined it before i found it again. my identity is beautiful.